I am almost ashamed to admit that I finished this book already. But I literally couldn't put it down. (Though it should be noted that I was embarrassed to be seen in public with it and may or may not have hid it inside the Hemingway book while reading on BART.)
Lest anyone get concerned, the book is not actually encouraging women to settle, (although if you listen closely you can still hear the feminists crying) it merely suggested that women take a more realistic look at dating. Our list of "Must haves" is actually mostly nice to haves. We want a man who is tall, successful, and likes wine tasting. We need a man who is loyal, trustworthy, and supportive. It's about erasing the image you have in your head of Mr. Perfect, because frankly, he doesn't exist. The funny, sweet, kind of geeky guy who has had a crush on you for ages will be a great husband, father, and partner. The really sexy, exciting guy will probably cheat on you with his secretary.
Women are quick to discount a man because he's not tall enough, makes less money, can't dress well. We write him off after the first date because we didn't feel sparks or chemistry; because your future husband would never order sparkly water, chew with his mouth open, like Justin Bieber, etc...But the lesson is that none of that matters because you have a partner who is a great father for your kids, who respects you, and who will be there for you. Maybe a first date that's nice but doesn't blow your mind is a better predictor of success in a relationship. In the cases she cites, couples who began with friendship and didn't feel the butterflies immediately were more likely to still be together and happy than those who said the relationship started with great chemistry.
I thought of the guy with the piercings who asked me out last week. I had eliminated him as a possibility because my future husband would definitely not have his ears or nose pierced. But was he reliable, loyal, & trustworthy? Could I look past that and not "settle", but "compromise" and learn to love someone like that? The prospect seemed doubtful, but that's exactly what Gottlieb encourages her readers to do.
To test this theory I logged on to Okcupid.com, a free internet dating site my friends had been bugging me to try. I began with the ideal man as I pictured him in my head and filtered accordingly. I had 7 matches.
I began expanding the list. I'm 5'6", do I really need a guy who's at least 6'? I lowered my minimum height to 5'10". He could live within 50 miles, have kids. Be as young as 24 or as old as 35. He didn't have to be Jewish. He could own a cat. Items I was not willing to budge on: single, non-smoker, no drugs, wants kids. I had 100 pages of matches. Maybe none of them were Mr. Right, but I wasn't even giving them the chance to find out!
The more I read the book the more I realized I had been eliminating potentially great guys because "I just knew they weren't the one". Because when I imagined my future life that isn't who I imagined I'd end up with. But then I tried to follow her advice and imagine my future self alone. The thought was depressing. So why had I ruled out all the guys I'd been on dates with recently?
Gottlieb argues that women in our generation have been brought up with a sense of entitlement. We believe we can, and deserve, to have it all. But the truth is, while most women are out being "maximizers" looking for the best that's out there, the smart ones are realizing that good is good enough and grabbing it. We want someone not just as good as us, but better than us. Women who are a 7 want a 9. We over-analyze the faults with men and ignore our own. Divorced with kids? No way. Never mind that you have a crazy stalker ex boyfriend, don't know how to boil water, and let your hamster run freely around the living room. Her point is simply that everyone comes with baggage, and if you want to find a partner, it's time to acknowledge yours and accept someone else's.
Because the book was written by a 40 year old woman whose options are much more limited, I related, but still had a hard time with her advice. Her matchmaker struggles to find any men in the database to set her up with; after 1 day on okcupid I had 57 emails... But the message is solid and I think it's an important one so that we don't end up 41 and single wishing we hadn't passed up the guys in our twenties who were good enough. We expect that after rejecting guy after guy there will always be more guys to reject. But there won't. Because we're not willing to compromise for a 7, we hold out for a 9, and ultimately end up settling for a 5.
So I'll leave you with this thought from Gottlieb and her dating coach, "You can be as picky as you like, as long as you have the option of being that way."
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